Adventures in dialogue
by shratata
Summary: Oneshots, but no words except for onomatopoeia (words like BOOM or quack) and dialogue. I was inspired by the oneshots I wrote for the oneshot-onesie thing. (Very self-centered there, PHLeaz, inspired by yourself.) May contain swearing and onesies. Rated T
1. Mayhem with Murphy's Law

"Murphy's Law…"

"What? What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of people SHOOTING AT US!"

"I said, MURPHY'S LAW! You know, Ben, the one that says that everything that can go wrong will go wrong?"

"I guess that does apply to this- DUCK!"

 **BOOM!**

"Where'd they even get a RPG from? What the-"

"Better not to think about that now, we HAVE to get to the chopper!"

"Yeah, we should probably stop talking, you know, to save our breath."

"Good idea- SHIT- FU- I've been shot! Alex, I've been shot!"

"Where? Where?"

"My palm! ...Don't roll your eyes at me! I've been freaking shot!"

"Shake it off, Ben. It's just your palm; you've had worse. Besides, I got shot in my shoulder a few metres back, but I didn't complain!"

"You got shot? Wha-"

"Yeah, completely ruined my onesie, too. Damn, I'm going to have to get another one, the blood's not gonna wash off of this time…"

"You're wearing a onesie?"

"Didn't you notice?"

"I-I can barely see ahead of me, it's really late. But, why? Why are you wearing a-a onesie?"

"What, you expect every spy to be well dressed all the time? Besides, they did attack us at night."

"I'll never get how your mind works, Al-"

 **BOOM!**

"Did-did they just blow up our chopper? Our only escape?"

"I think they did, Ben."

"Well, shit. What do we do now?"

"Umm… Run all the way to London?"

"In a onesie?"

"Yes."


	2. Tom's Jammie Dodgers

"Wow, I am STARVING!"

"Alex… **Yawn** … its-its 4 AM."

"So? When you became my friend, Tom, you agreed to this kind of thing."

"Wha- I never!"

"Sure you did. Mmm, Jammie Dodgers! You don't get these _anywhere_ in the States! Aaah, how I missed you guys…"

"Hey, hey, stop raiding my kitchen!"

"But… but please! I'm so hungry, I spent 3 months in America for a mission without my Jammie Dodgers and Ben won't let me in his house… something about stealing his ticket for The Force Awakens… I mean, come on, that man's only watched Episode 6!"

"Really? I would've thought that Ben, of all people…"

"Yeah, I know right? He doesn't even know who Darth Sidious is!"

"That's just shameful."

"I agree- "

 **RING,** **RING!**

 **"** That must be Jones, sorry, Tom, but I have to get this."

 _"_ _Alex, you were supposed to come directly to the Bank for debriefing."_

"Well, maybe I will, if you offered food there! No, it's like any sort of entertainment or indulgence is banned! Just because you guys are MI6 and all, you have to be completely bland and boring!"

 _"_ _Agent Alex Rider, don't you dare take that tone with me, I am your-"_

 **BEEEP**

"Hehehe. I love hanging up on her. She gets all annoyed and mad, but she can't do anything."

"Isn't she your boss?"

"Yeah, I mean, she does pay me my salary, but if she does anything, I'll just quit, because I can do that, since I'm 18 and a legal adult, and she can't afford me leaving."

"What is your salary anyways?"

" _Well, if I told you, I'd have to kill you…"_

 **Sigh** "Seriously, Alex, how much do you earn every year?"

"Well, hmmmm, I don't think you'll believe me."

"Try me."

"£3 million"

"WHAT? WHAT? THE GOVERNMENT _CANNOT_ BE SPENDING THAT MUCH MONEY ON YOU!"

"Hehehe, you're just jealous!"

"Well, of course, I am, you earn, like, 2,800,000 more quid than me!"

"That's the price I demand for saving the world every week or so."

"You-you demand?"

"Sure, I-"

"You know what? Get out. GET OUT. Go to the Bank or whatever. I am so sick of you being better than me at everything. GET OUT."

"Jeez, okay, okay. I'm GOING."

"Hey, wait a second, where's my Jammies? ALEX! ALEX! GIVE ME BACK MY JAMMIE DODGERS! YOU KNOW I CAN'T RUN AS FAST YOU! GET BACK IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!"

"HAHAHAHAHA! NEVER!"

 **Well, not my best. But, eh.**


	3. Claw Machines are death

"I really should stop."

"I wholeheartedly agree."

"…"

"…"

"Damn it!"

"No, no, no! Alex, not another round! You've spent way too much money on that thing!"

"Please, I swear, this will be the last time!"

"That's what you said five rounds ago!"

"I really mean it this time!"

"And that's what you said three rounds ago! No, Alex, that thing is an addiction, and we are not spending any more time here!"

"But I HAVE to get that soft toy!"

"You know that all claw machines are rigged, right? You're never gonna get that minion."

"Ben, lets pretend I'm Tom Cruise and this is Mission Impossible 9: Claw Machine. I'm going to go through a bad phase where all hope seems lost and then miraculously, I'm going to complete my mission… somehow. Capiche?"

"Capiche? Capiche? What are you, American?"

"Actually, capiche is an Italian word."

"Yeah, that only Americans and Italians use, so now, can we please-"

"SHIT! GOD- FUC- DAMNIT! THIS IS MORE FRUSTRATING THAN FLAPPY BIRD! THE ARM WON'T GRAB THE TOY! HOW HARD IS IT, YOU STUPID CLAW?!"

"Hehehe… ummm, Alex, you're causing a scene, people are looking at us…"

"Oh, I'm causing a scene, huh? I'm causing a scene? Watch this!"

"Alex, please don't do something you'll regret later-"

"HEY, HEY EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP! MY NAME IS ALEX RIDER AND I'M A SPY FOR MI6, LIKE JAMES BOND! THIS OLD GIT IS ALSO A SPY, BUT HE'S NOT AS GOOD AS ME! WHOEVER MADE THIS CLAW MACHINE SHOULD PAY ATTENTION! THIS SOD AND ME ARE GOING TO BRING DOWN THE FULL MIGHT OF MI FREAKIN' 6 ON YOUR BLEEDING HEAD! WE'LL MAKE SURE YOU GET FIRED, NEVER GET A JOB AND SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND MORE TRYING TO GET A TOY FROM YOUR OWN MACHINE! SEE HOW YOU LIKE THAT!"

"I'm so sorry, ladies, he's just a bit bladdered…"

"Hey, that's rude, I'm not drunk."

"I think I have all the right to say whatever I want right now, you stupid monkey. Now come on, we're leaving!"

"But-but I forgot to buy a new onesie!"

 **Hope you liked it... Bladdered=drunk, the other slang should be easy...hopefully. Hehe. Had to put that in there, because they're British and all, and so am I (partially).**


	4. My dearest onesies

"Shut up."

" _Let's hope this goooooodbyeeeee, doesn't mean the end!"_

"Jesus…"

 _"_ _COME CRUISIN ROUND THE BEND, ROCKET BOOST ADRENALINE…"_

"You're starting to piss me off!"

" _WHERE YOU AT, WHERE YOU AT, WHERE YOU AT, BABY-"_

"Another word, Alex. Another word."

"…"

"…"

"… _where you-"_

"AAAH! THAT IS IT! GET OVER HERE!"

" _WHERE YOU AT! WHERE YOU AT! WHERE YOU AT!"_

"IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, I WILL TEAR UP ALL OF YOUR ONESIES!"

"…"

"Yes, I most certainly will!"

" _It may be a lost cause..."_

"What? Alex, I'm not kidding!"

 _"_ _I may be clutching straws…"_

"Look, Cub, I've got your dearest onesies right here, along with my SAS issued knife, that will TEAR through them like butter, so shut UP RIGHT NOW!"

 _"_ _I may have lost the battle…"_

"Yes, you most definitely have, because these clothes are about rags. Here I go! One, two, thr-"

" _BUT I HAVEN'T LOST THE WAR!"_

 _"_ Wha-"

"AAAAAAAAHHHH! Never! You will never touch my onesies again! NEVER, YOU HEAR THAT! Oh, my onesies, I'm so sorry, I'll lock my closet next time."

"…They're just clothes, Alex."

"Whatever, Ben. ' _They're just clothes'._ Don't you guys listen to him, okay? He's just jealous of our close bond!"

"I think you need to see a doctor."

 **The song is 'Where You At' by the Bohicas. (There's another one by Future, don't look at that). It's one of my favorites.**


End file.
